A Journal Entry

As many of you know, I love to journal. It's a prayer to God, sometimes filled with praise, but more often filled with desperation. It is the only way I can find sanity when I've hit rock bottom. It's my main way to process everything and anything. That being said, a lot of my entries don't make sense. But sometimes when I take the time to look back over the pages, I find gems, like this one:
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                                                                                             Tuesday, October 18th,  2016

The Stone is afraid to feel.  

I think I was asking why You made me to feel, but without feelings I would be just like a stone - selfish and hardened. Indeed, some men have become that unfeeling through many years of practice. Involuntary as it may be. But Jesus, I don't believe you were afraid to feel. Or maybe you were, but that didn't stop You from obeying Your Father's will. I think of You weeping when Lazarus died. And I remember what I learned in Guatemala -Your compassion was not Your weakness. I just realized too- when You said to me to see You on the streets, to watch You there, I don't think You necessarily meant for me to traverse to a multitude of third-world countries- there are dirty streets here too, just harder to find and harder to learn. That's because, I suppose, when we go on a missions trip we have chosen to rid ourselves of all the distractions (at least as much as is in our power). But here in our busy lives we silence our convicted souls by claiming we don't have time for acts of mercy. 

  I know I am afraid to embark on a Journey of Brokenness. I guess I am terrified of the pain I know will ensue. But is there not joy in doing the will of my Father - in obedience?And even if there is not, am I not to obey with a willing spirit anyway, no matter the cost?  And are there not lessons to be learned from those who are afflicted? Even examples [not to follow] of bitterness in the hearts of people because of their stubbornness and self-proclaimed distance from God. Could I not be healing waters - not just be, but bring? What a high calling!

So my questions to myself:

• How will you seek this out in the Bible? 
• How do you show hospitality?
• How will you live in unconditional love toward your siblings and sacrifice for them each day?
• How do you balance that with making sure your needs are met? (Love your neighbor as yourself, not more than yourself- although we should be willing to make the sacrifice, I believe.)
• Will you choose this rough road of brokenness over the safe, more pleasurable in appearance, but deadly road of self-seeking? How could you not after what your Savior has done for you?!?

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So there's a piece of my brain for you! I know you might not understand it all, but I hope it encourages you in some way. 

Grace and peace be with you, my friends!