My Surrender Story

I read Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book, Surrender, over Christmas break. I've been struggling my whole Christian life, trying to both follow God's lead and control my own life. God used this book to begin to really surrender to Him.
I have dreams, fears, relationships with family and friends, desires, all of these things that I want to control. And as I tried to control all these things, I believe I have let them control me. My focus was, and still is, in some ways, on all these things with God, not just.... HIM.  Kind of like a suitcase with a tag on it. My dreams, family, friendships, fears, and sins are all in the suitcase defining me, while God's name is written on the tag.
As I thought about all of this, I knew I needed to surrender everything to Him.
At first I was leery. Like, wasn't I already a Christian? Hadn't I already done all of this?
But had I? I mean, mostly, yes, but I had gradually pulled the horses reins back into my own hands. Or maybe I had been holding them the whole ride.
Either way, if I had already surrendered, why was I afraid to do it again? It could only mean that I was holding something back, that I had my hand on part of the rein.
So, by God's amazing grace, I gave the reins completely over to Him. I have felt less stress, less strain form the reins because I am not holding them. I am leaning back in the seat, trusting Him (and continually having to re-trust Him, as I often doubt where He is taking me).
Now don't get me wrong. The way I've been writing this you might be imagining a carriage or cart driven by God with me, such a happy camper, sitting next to Him. The scenery is beautiful, the air is fresh and balmy, and everything is happy and joyful.
But no, the road is bumpy. It jolts an tilts me, sometimes just slightly, other times I almost fall out of my seat. But my Driver holds me in, even while driving expertly.
In other words, giving God all the things I find most important-family, friends, conversations, my fears, my dreams, and everything else- is really hard. (Okay. I admit it. I'm a bit of a control freak.) It's hard to give Him the lives of my family and friends to whatever He has in store for them. It's scary sometimes to let Him speak through me, to use me in any way that He chooses in the future. And speaking of the future, it is so very hard to trust Him with that. All my life I've dreamed, and yet He may have other plans.
But He is so much more wise than I could ever be! I'm pretty sure I can trust Him with my life. And honestly, it is so much more relaxing to let Him have control. I don't have to worry about anything. It's all in His plan.
And O, what joy surrounds me! For I am His alone.
Thank You, Father, for this work You have begun in me.
May all praise and glory and honor be His, forever and ever.
Amen.